Robyn is a retired orthodontist and former university educator who enjoys daily freshwater swims near her home in Surry, Maine where she lives with her husband and Labrador Retriever. Robyn has been a hospice volunteer for the past four years. In the conversation that follows, Robyn shares a bit about how deeply she values the practice of compassionate listening and what she has learned about dying with integrity.
How did you find your way to hospice work?
It was very clear to me. About six years ago, I had an uncle who was really sick. He was just wonderful, this uncle. He was an engineer and one of the smartest people I have ever met. He was so smart, sweet and kind. I’m very close with my aunt, and she’s not a caretaker. That’s not her comfort. So, when my uncle was dying, near the end, I spent a lot of time there with him. And he had so much integrity. He just handled his death with so much integrity. I was with him in the last days, and I felt it was such a privilege. It was just so nice to be able to be with him and to help where my aunt couldn’t. Being with him in those last days was incredibly special. So, when I experienced that, I thought, I’m going to look into hospice work. It was just that simple. It was all about that experience.
So, after that experience with your uncle, you decided to look into becoming a hospice volunteer and signed up for the training. How was that for you?
I loved the training! One of the things that stood out was the three-hour session on compassionate listening! I mean, who couldn’t use that?! I just loved the training. I remember my cohort being asked by one of the hospice trainers about what could get in the way of our being a compassionate listener. That was such a good question! To be able to listen compassionately, you have to be honest. And you have to be present. I learned so much through my hospice training about what it means to listen, to really listen.
How has your understanding of ‘presence’ and ‘compassionate listening’ evolved since you’ve been supporting people at the end of life?
I would say that everything I have learned about compassionate listening has come from my experience as a hospice volunteer – from the training and from these last four years of volunteering. It’s been my biggest area of growth. This wasn’t a strength of mine before, but I’ve learned so much, and that’s true of patience too. I remember I had one patient with dementia. Sometimes she would just pause in between her sentences, these long pauses, and a couple of times I would try to finish her sentences. One day after some time together, she very gently and kindly said to me, “Can you please give me a chance?” That experience taught me so much about slowing down, just waiting, giving someone the time they need to say what they want to say without interrupting, without finishing their thought. I was not there a few years ago, not there at all. But it’s such a good lesson to have learned. In the beginning I used to think, ‘Oh, I have a story,’ but what I’ve learned is that it’s really not about me. It’s much nicer to be present with what a patient is feeling and with what they want to express.
When you described being with your uncle at the end of his life, you used the word ‘integrity.’ You said that he had so much integrity in his last days. What does that mean to you?
It was all in his eyes. He couldn’t speak that much near the end, but he just showed such compassion and kindness. He clearly knew he was dying and it was tough, but he didn’t ask for much, he just managed and showed so much strength in those last days. And I remember my brother, who is a psychologist saying: “How you go through life is how you go out.” My uncle was always a man of integrity. I could always count on him. And it’s true – how you go through life is how you leave. My uncle died the way he lived, with integrity.
Did he die with a sense of calm? I know that’s a big question …
I think so. He was calm. He didn’t fight. He was amazing.
If there’s a personal motivation, I have in doing this work, it’s exactly what you’re describing. It’s that I want to die a good death, one that’s full of resolve and without lingering regrets or without too many un-had conversations.
Mmm hmm. Right – to look at what’s important. That’s what this work has taught me so much about: looking at things straight. Part of why I love this work so much and what it has taught me about living is the existential nature of it. It’s right up front about what’s important. And you can’t push it aside. It makes you look at life straight, front and center, and I appreciate that, you know, rather than pretending. It’s also taught me about what a favor it is, what a nice thing it is to do for your kids or for loved ones to let them know how you feel about death, so that they don’t have to guess, so they don’t have to sweat it, so they don’t have to wonder and feel bad. It’s a huge gift if you can do that for others.
Has this work allowed for you to have more of those kinds of conversations with loved ones?
Absolutely! And that’s one of the things that hospice is so good about, like offering the Five Wishes workshop which can help anybody, anyone can take it. I found the workshop to be really great. It gives people the chance to look at death, to write down the things that matter. It doesn’t have to be so formal. It can just be: “this is how I feel about this.” You can expound on any portion of end-of-life matters that you want to, like what you want people to know. If you can do that, if you can let people know what you want at the end of life, it takes so much pressure away from people having to guess. If you can explain to people things like: I want this kind of ritual or I want to be buried this way, or I don’t want to linger or … whatever it is, it’s such a gift, truly a gift.
Since you’ve been volunteering and you’ve been exposed to different patients, different circumstances, different family dynamics and so on, what’s something you’d share with those who may not know what hospice is and what we do?
Right – because there are so many services that people don’t even know about like Five Wishes, for example. Everyone could benefit from Five Wishes. Everyone! And I agree many people just don’t know what hospice is or what we do. For instance, like what we offer in Palliative Care. I had a Palliative Care patient once who I saw for two years. This time with the patient gave his wife an opportunity to have a break as the caregiver to go swimming and do her exercises. For years, I would come every Thursday morning and visit with the patient and chat so that his wife could go run errands and enjoy swimming. That was so nice for her! And that’s what it’s about: we provide so many different kinds of services. It doesn’t have to look a certain way.
Are there any parting thoughts you’d like to share?
When I tell people that I’m a hospice volunteer, a common response is, “Oh, I couldn’t do that,” but the funniest thing – the thing that might be most unexpected is that I always feel better when I leave after being with a patient than before I came. I feel like I’m getting more than I’m giving. I find that hospice work is not at all like what it may seem. It’s been such a growth for me. It just feels like it’s been a plus in every way: the people I’ve met, the experiences I’ve had, what I’ve learned. It’s really been a gift.